snowboarding

eric took us to the alps once again <3

this time though the trip matched with my pms. i was super stressed the whole time. i started to run away from chair lifts and stuck with the gondolas only, since the last year i had a tiny incident on the chair lift. i kept thinking of quitting this sport the whole time. didn't enjoy it even a bit this time. i couldn't sleep during the nights properly. whole time i was like, i am always a beginner. people don't learn this at their 30s, i am trying to bark all the time with the doggos while i am the stupid kitty. it's cold, it's dangerous and not worth it. i really couldn't make my mind and chill about it. this was supposed to be fun and now it's just discomfort. the whole time. literally the group was the best group, ardic was not leaving me even a minute and comforting all the time, eric saying "mountains can't hurt you", i still couldn't relax. by the third day, i said i want to skip the day and enjoy the spa at the hotel. luckily the day was quite foggy anyways. but next day, the moment we head back driving home, i was like, why don't we stay longer, why did i make such a big fuss about it 🤡 it's correct that i was not developing because in the last 2 years we only went for smol trips like 3 days of riding at most. but it's not enough obviously. each time it takes at least 2 days to get used to the feeling. anyways. some months pms curtain shuts so hard.

why insisting on snowboarding if this is this much hassle though?

it's humiliating. nothing makes me this radically accepting how i shouldn't listen to my mind or body. not willing to slide is difficult :D the more you want to control, the more you fall down and hurt yourself the most. the only way to do it, to get into the flow with accepting a bit of loose control and bit of speed. it's scary but you do it scared anyways. so it weirdly gives me how life also works, type of ideas. it won't make sense but i will nevertheless try:

initiating turns. as a beginner this was such a big thing to be able to do it. when you are on the hill facing downhill, you need to straighten your board to initiate the turn. it's physics, there is no way of not doing it. but straigtening the board is the most scary thing ever as beginner because with the incline you "accelerate" which you are not used to do it while doing the "leaf" runs all the time on controlled speed, with constant break on. and you don't dare going the straight slopes yet. so you either go leaf, or you let you let go the fear of straightning the board downhill for 3 seconds. if you listen to your mind to be scared after initiating the turn, the moment you break with the heels pressing on that position, since you had already moved your weight to front, you will catch an edge and it will be the most painful fall. either your ass will hurt for 3 days, or you will doubt of concussion.

a bit rambled here, but what i am trying to say is that, this is the only event to force my emotions to shut up and trust the process and the learnings i know. so this is the mindgame i find it humiliating in general. not listening my emotions, when i should trust the process only.

another one. this is the fresh thought from the recent trip. connecting turns in to S shapes. First you do the C shape turns. they are like, you do the turn, and then you almost stop. then after you make your mind up, you initiate another C. but connecting them requires, "accepting the accelaration for couple seconds and doing this continuously". and that requires the flow. flow of constant acceptance, not giving the moment that emotions asks to intervene. also, making C shape turns without flowing S, makes your core and quads work so hard. so sucking at this game is so tiring. apart from that, the same analogy with C vs S thing matches with most of the momentum related things in life as well, maps perfectly in my mind. like, starting something, making C shapes are always hard. you need to start, do the thing, end, and then think about it and maybe not initiate the next one. anything about starting maps to this, anything you keep the streak. working, training, studying.. keeping the streak is all about imaginng that there will be some failures in between, just reduce the time to retry once again, withoug giving a chance for your emotions popping excuses

anyways, read flatland this week. fantastic read! i will write the notes on the reads part later.

a youtube video of a journalist who just got out of jail, describing how he tried to make the most of his life there - he was ironing his clothes by leaving them under bed to in the case of politicians visiting him, he was still creating while there with letters only, he was still pushing the needle for his outside initiatives although he had no influence anymore. made me think of this turkish(!) poem. life is a serious business, as the squirells do, not expecting anything else than the life itself. even in the most hopeless moments, only just because life is so valuable, not because of hope not because of a belief or nothing, just because the most real thing is living, you will chose the living. can't describe well how it makes me think, but it's just so beautiful.